Unknown Letters- Letter 1,2, 3,4 ,5,6,7,8 & 9

Unknown Letters 


All the characters in this post are fictitious and have no resemblance to anyone/anything. Nobody was hurt during writing these letters but some emotions & feelings were seen finding its faith.

I, Vikas,had just shifted to new rented apartment in Bandra, Well ,the energy of this place was always electric, the place i always wanted to be in, It had the 'Cult' status,people living in Bandra didn't seem to be caring about anyone in the rest of the mumbai city. It had the amazing mystery which i always loved, something unknown, something secretive, something connotative, something was waiting to be unfolded.....

One fine Sunday afternoon, i was placing something in the cupboard, suddenly some papers fell on the floor and with fan rotating in full swing , they started flying in random directions like our minds. With great efforts, i collected them all. They were not mine, i observed they were handwritten letters by someone, may be the earlier tenants had written them, thinking of them as waste,i threw them in dustbin.

As i was turning away, my eyes placed themselves on one page where it was written in bold letters.

Shalini

I stopped, picked all the papers which i had thrown in dustbin, my eyes were on the page which had the name written on it. I arranged the papers and started going through them. They were letters written by someone called 'Shalini' , may be a daily diary she was making, listing down the schedules & what she went through the day.

 I started reading the letter, the blue ink had done its magic.

Letter 1- Shalini

I was getting late for the shoot of one of the film directed by elite director Mr Ken, there was something about Ken that i used to love, his detailing in the scenes, his way of explanation of different emotions in the scenes required, had he not been 60 years old, i would have bent down on my knees and proposed him. He was emotionally sensitive which is a trait women like us are known for but very few of us understand that there is no more joy than having a man around who understands our emotions , feels it and is there to hug you whenever you are in the seventh heaven.

Alas! my dream series ended with a door bell, I i opened the door, Shanti bai was standing with the grocery i had asked her to bring, she was well dressed as always, a green saree she wore,matching blouse, she always use to tell me

"Memsaab, aap saaree pehna karo, saaree mein aap bahut khoobsoorat lagti ho"

I used to laugh at her innocence! innocence because nobody will offer me any work if i wear a saree, this film industry demands no clothes, naked soul, just body without love, you have to be dark if you want to survive or reap benefits of being rich, where flesh is traded everyday and its a part of business.

Shanti bai kept the grocery on the floor, after cleaning the house, she made me tea, she was like a friend, a philosopher  guide who in her own simple ways used to teach me about life.

That day she was serious, i asked her what is wrong.

She replied," Mujhe aapse ek baat karni hai, aap shadi bana lo jaldi se, phir main aapke bachon ke saath khelne aayegi"

i was shocked at her statement, clueless,  thinking what had triggered her to say anything like this,she was looking into my eyes, yes i had empowered her but this time she had crossed her limits but i was not angry. i wanted to understand why she said so.. I decided to confront her and asked why she stated the uncomfortable lines just few minutes ago.

"Memsaab, aap kitna kaam karega abhi, 32 saal ka ho gaya hai aur itna kaam, jab main aapko dekhta hai, mujhe aapki aankhon mein bahut akelapan dikhta hai, jaise koi baat karne wala na ho aapse, aap bahut acha aurat hai memsaab, lekin aap akela hai"

"Nahi Shanta bai, kitne log hain mere saath, kitne log ghar aatein hai, shoot mein bhi kitne log hote hain, main kidhar akeli hun"

"Apne dil se poocho memsaab, kya aapka mann nahi karta ki koi aapke saath ho, jab aap ghar aaye to koi baat karne wala ho, jo aapke saath khana khaaye khaana banaye, jo aapko shopping pe ghoomaane le jaye, aapka haath pakade aur aapke saath rahe zindgi bhar, ye dunia bahut kharab hai memsaab, kisi ko akela rehne nahi deti, aap bahut sunder ho, padhi likhi ho, kamaati ho, main kitne time se dekh rahi hai, aap akela ho raha hai, aapko pyar karne wala maangta hai madam, kuch jyada bol diya ho to maaf karna"

I was dumbstruck at her bluntness, how could she speak to me like this, how can someone tell me what to do.

Ii was very furious, I just didn't want to go to work today, i called up Ken.

"Hey Ken, i will not be able to come today for the shoot, not well"

"Hey baby, what hapened, all well, Ken in his trademark style, Should i call for doctor"

No, Ken, Thanks, I will manage" i hung up the phone.

I just thought for a while, went to kitchen and pulled up a bottle of wine, it was my favorite.I poured it in glass and said "Cheers"....there was no response, no body replied with Cheers, there was no one at home, why i said cheers and too whom.

Words of Shanta bai were loud enough now in my ears.

"Aaap akeli hain madam aur aise akele zindgi nahi chalti jab koi pyar karne wala na ho"

Was she right? Was i alone? No, i was not alone, i were always full of people, Garima, Natasha, Prem, all were my close friends, i could confide in them always, everything, my darkest secrets including my one night stands. Shanta bai was wrong.

But why i was not at ease.

 Why whatever she said didn't seem to be wrong. 

Why i had not slapped her at that time?

Why i was listening to her?

What was it that my soul was searching?

What  was it that my body was craving for? 



What something missing in me? 

Was it love?

I had everything, Money, status everything., I fell asleep thinking loud.

End of Letter 1

They were heartfelt letters, i decided to read them one by one. May be i wanted to know more about Shalini. What was going on in her mind? I continued reading the letters.


Letter  2

"Tring Tring, Tring Tring" 

I woke up with the ringtone of my phone, I had just slept 3 hours back and got my phone ringing at 7 am.Gosh!!!

" Who is this" I shouted.

"Maam, we have come to pick you up, you have given today's date for the shoot, we are from Karma productions"

"Oh oh, i am so sorry, you please wait in the car, I will join in sharp 15 minutes"

How could i forget the dates given to Karma Productions, it was one of the dream team i always wanted to work with, this had never happened in my life, I was known for my professionalism. 

I got ready in 15 minutes and sat in the car sent by production team. The shoot location was one hour away and considering Mumbai's traffic , it could take 2 hours to reach the locations. I had enough time to sleep but sleep was no where in the corner.

Sometimes in life, you are silent without any reason, if someone asks you if anything is wrong, the answer is no, Sometimes nothing is wrong, but something is not right also..........and that something which is not right is not easy to find, you keep on searching, questioning but answers do not come, may be they far away or may be they are so near that we are not able to see them.....The road is unclear.

Today was exactly that day, something was not right, Shanta Bai had created or showed me the void in my life, i was always running away from, I was not confronting the truth, i was just keeping myself busy on drug called work and so called friends who would come home, stay over, we ordered food, drink full night, Nobody was able to hold on to each other, nobody was trustworthy, nobody was clean including me, we all knew each other's  secrets,be it trying new drugs or swapping partners.


Nobody was there to slap me , control me, put any questions on me, why was i coming late , what work was i doing, what was i eating, nobody cared, i was just well performing skin, fair one, i was using my body to act not soul and there was a huge disconnect. 

Shanta bai threw lot of questions in front of me 

What was i going to do with my life?

Till how long i will be alone?

Was it love which i needed?

 What i needed?

I reached the location of the shoot and acted my duty the whole day, with every shot, director told me that i was really into the character and applauded in front of all the senior actors. I loved my work and always did it with full integrity. Whatever was happening in my personal life was not impacting them, so i had to be at my best.

I packed up at 7 pm and requested the production team to drop me home. I was lost in my own thoughts, thinking about above questions.

Suddenly a voice appeared.

What are doing to yourself Shalini? Look at yourself in mirror, are you the same Shalini i know? , It was my soul which had appeared from somewhere.

"What happend to me? I am alright, cant you see i just finished a day's shoot and going home?"

Why are you going home Shalini? is anybody waiting for you at home?

"No"

"Then?" why are you going home, this is the time Shalini, you need to make peace with your past, you cant afford to live in past, it is gone, now time has come to find someone who will be with you for rest of your life. You know how small your life is, Just 30 years, from 25 years - 55 years of age, Nobody will ask you after that, Your shoot, your friends, alcohol, parties, nobody!

"Why are you telling me all this?"

Because you need love baby, you need love.

"How can you be so sure?"

You are asking your soul this question? i am the surest of all in everything, i am the core.Listen to me , your heart, you will get to know what i am saying. I am going now but do call me if you need me.

She disappeard.

I was speechless, why the world suddenly was telling me that i needed love, Shanta Bai, my soul, who were they to tell me all this, i knew myself always and had taken decisions for myself.

I was still waiting for the cab sitting on the bench. Suddenly i saw a man coming towards me, tall, handsome, not completely fair though , well dressed in casuals, seemed he was on a holiday. He bumped into me all of a sudden.

Hi, I am Sameer, I own this production house, i saw you perform today and let me tell you , you were really good.

"You own Karma productions?" I said with loud voice.

"Yes, i own it, though by my appearance i don't look like the owner but the sad part is i am"

I smiled, i smiled probably for the first time in the day. He made me smile, I thanked him.

"Are you serious all the time or are you still in the character of the our film?"

I smiled again, "No No, just like that, i am tired"

"Yes, i could see in your performance from Morning to evening, there was drop in the energy drastically and which is not good for my film, mind you"

I laughed, laughed again, was he watching me the whole day? i became conscious of what i was wearing today evening. We chatted for 2 hours before he came to drop me home.

"Goodnight, take a off tommrow, the team will shoot with other storyboards, take rest. I dont want my film to suffer"

He smiled.

Somehow i enjoyed last 4 hours talking to him , he was very knowledgeable on direction, films, he knew how to make money. Owner of Karma Productions was chatting with me for last 4 hours! i smiled again.

I waved bye to him.

"Coffee tommrow at 11 am at Starbucks bandra?"

I didnt know what to say, starbucks was walking distance from my home.

I hesitated but said yes, may be i wanted a fresh coffee & fresh company.

He left leaving me at the door.

I took a deep breath and went inside, i was not hungry, talks of 4 hours had my stomach full.

I dont know why, but i was waiting for the clock to strike 11 am as fast as possible.

End of letter 2



As i was reading the letters, i lost track of the time, this had happend with me also, the wait, the exclusive wait.

I was also waiting for the clock to strike 11 am as soon as possible.


Vikas Sachdeva

 

Letter 3

I woke up at 10.20 am! I couldnt believe myself! Yesterday night i was so lost that i forgot to put an alarm!

The meeting with sameer was schduled at 11 am at starbucks. I wanted to look good, really good, I was feeling fresh, light after sameer spoke to me about work, how he looked at films and extracting emotions from his cast.

Was i also just one of his cast for one of his film? Yes i was, or may be no, why i wanted to feel special, urge to dress up well was strong, he told me that he likes long earrings and payal, i searched for both and found luckily. 

I was putting so much in my dress! My soul and heart! I pulled out black dress from my enclosure and was ready in 20 min.

I looked into the mirror before leaving and realised i had really dressed up well.

"You are looking stunningly beautiful Shalini in this black dress and long earrings are taking my breath away" he told me instantly as i sat on the expensive couch of starbucks.

My soul was gazing at him, i wanted to thank him for his kind words but words were not ready to fall, i was so consumed in myself, after a long i found something geniune, not fake, not biased, those words were for me, only for me, i wanted to hug him, tightly, wanting him not leave ever! Then reality knocked.

"Hey what are you thinking, would you like to eat something with cappuccino? Let me order a chocolate muffin for you"! 

I liked that too! I was falling in for someone after first meeting only. I realised that he is worth keeping dont know why, i had been deprived of love anyway as Shantabai had told me, my heart decided to fall for sameer, my mind was still trying to put logics, ifs and buts i didnt care to listen.

Sameer was continuously gazing at me, looking at my dress, his eyes were on my earrings.

"Anything special in those earrings and not in me? "I chuckled!

"Long earrings always do magic for me, they are my favorite, they are looking good on you" he said hesitantly.

"Oh! Thats the reason why your heroines in the films always wear long earrings " i wanted to play.

"Precisely yes" and i like well dressed women" , clothes tell a story about you and i am a storyteller, i observe hell lot of detailing in costumes of my cast so as right story comes across" , you will always see a traditional wearing character wearing bangles and other character wearing western outfits , both male and female, and being a producer i have to get my ROI as early as possible so i launch films as soon as they are done!"

Then he went on and on and i was just staring at him! I wanted to listen, then he stopped talking and looked at me. 

"I am sorry if i have bored you" he said , No No this is the day i always wanted, someone to be with me where i was myself not pretending, not fearing.

"Come, i will drop you" he said.

"Ok" is what i could say.

We sat in his car, his driver now knew where i stayed. 

"I want to kiss you" Sameer said.

It took me by surprise, it was so sudden, nobody had said this so openly to me. I also wanted to kiss him, fire was already there, why i was waiting for him to say, i should have kissed him as soon as we sat in the car.

"Why" i tried to act smart which i shouldnt have.

"Because i feel like kissing you" he said and slowly came towards me.

His eyes looked at mine, there was a urge, urge to cuddle with him. Urge to touch him.

Suddely he placed his lips on mine, they were mingling with each other as if they havent met for long. Our tongues winked at each other, his hands were on my breasts and i was in his custody, my earrings were bouncing like pendulam of wall clock.

Our eyes were closed for quite sometime now, not witnessing what our true emotions were, these things are dark , very dark but give pleasure to soul than body. 

My body was in ache but still not wanting to leave him, i hadnt realised that inhad hugged him so tightly.

We both were out of breath, that was so passionate.my moral science tried to argue that this was wrong. i am anyway not getting married to sameer, he might be in some other city someday.

I was getting dark and dark. But my soul had got its food, hungry souls are dangerous! Nothing seems to be driven by logic.

But it is ok, ok to love, ok to be loved.

He dropped me home, we both were silent! I wanted to go on a long drive with him. 

I will go for sure but for now i was more happy with my long earrings, they had done the trick!

Shalini

Letter 4

I waved him bye with a warm hug and we moved in our respective directions.

This time I entered my home with a smile on my face, though there was still no one waiting for me at home, but I felt being part of some body’s thoughts atleast.

The house was dimly glowing coz of the golden night lamp of the porch. I noticed this warm glow and was wondering if something was wrong with me as I had never noticed these small portions of my house from quite some time.

 Turning towards the living room I switched on the lights and noticed a post-it on the fridge which I knew was pasted by Shanta Bai.

Memsaab –Aapkapasandka pasta aurslaadbnake fridge me rakha hai.

I felt that how concerned Shanta bai is for me as she had taken care of my choices at whatever possible intervals of her job for me.

I did not feel much hungry as I had enough of the fillings for the day, this time filled with a different and serene feel and not because of the over work and regular exhaustive routines. So I also decided to take care of Shanta Bai’s concerns, I took a small portion of pasta and salad in a plate and took it to my room while eating.

The dressing area was re-done by Shanta Bai as today morning I had pulled out few dresses before picking the Black attire I finally wore. My jewelry box was lying on the table top of the dressing table; I smiled looking at it and felt the morning moments where I was trying everything possible to look good.

I again started wondering that how speechless I was just a day back on the thoughts that if the world was asking me to find love.

Am I in LOVE now?

Or is it just infatuation?

Am I getting carried away just because I have no one so close?

Or this guy is the one I should not loose…

Suddenly the thoughts were combined with a sweet tone of the message notification on my Cell. For the first second, I kind of ignored it but the very next second I thought it could be him. I reached to my cell and saw a notification Sameer… I opened the message which said;

“It was a lovely and beautiful morning for me as I was lucky enough to witness a beauty dressed in Black with a top up of Sliver Shimmer” See you tomorrow!

I felt special again..he made me feel special again! I started thinking as what should be my reply, I wanted to say what all I was feeling since I met him but then stopped myself.

 I ended up saying just a Thank You, See you! and went to get freshen up.

I was thinking about the day, which is ending and the day which is going to start where I am going to see him again. I did not want to sleep as I was enjoying these thoughts so I moved towards my music section and pulled out my favorite album. I din’t remember when I had pulled this out last. While listening to my favorite song, I closed my eyes lying on the recliner.

A breathtaking view of Snow clad mountains with a lush green never ending spread beneath, a wooden hut standing in the middle of the plane caught my eyes.

I felt close to the hut and then I saw the door which was half open. I felt to go in and I saw myself entering it.

There I saw myself sitting near the window facing a guy..a smile was on my face and my eyes were glittering.

 I crossed the living area so I can see the face of the guy and the moment I reached the spot. which I had carefully covered without disturbing myself sitting on that chair..

It was HIM…

I opened my eyes with a surprise as the sound of the alarm of my phone woke me up…I found myself in the same recliner as I din’t know when I had slept off. I got up quickly to get ready as I did not want to be late on the sets; this time always on-time perfection was not the reason… I felt to reach him the next moment and say my heart out..to tell him everything I felt since I met him…

Letter 5

I reached the sets at sharp 7 a.m next morning as the shoot was planned in the early hours in the morning. Surprisingly all the members of the unit were already there, I really loved to work with this kind of production houses which were so professional in their approach and who valued people’s time.

My eyes were searching for Sameer everywhere, He might not have woken up, I muttered to myself.

Should I wake him up? I demanded his presence on the sets.

How can he be not there when I am there? I began to feel uneasy as there was no sight of him. I wanted to hug him tightly, how dare he leave me alone at this hour.

Has he stopped loving me? Wait, when did he say that he loved me? Never, he never said it.  Then what was that, the kiss in the car, his lips touching mine, his soul touching mine, the moment when I surrendered my body to him. We could have gone to another level that day but…..

Why am I thinking about that day? When he touched me, why didn’t I revolt, where is he now? Why can’t I meet him again? Why can’t we be together for some time again? I am not asking for lifetime but for some days or may be months or year or so?

My mind was crowded with his thoughts only, I heard a shout out from the director…

“Shalini, Shalini , have you rehearsed your lines? He demanded, Oh fish, I hadn’t rehearsed. Lost in thoughts, I apologized to him and promised to be ready in 15 minutes.

Then I saw Sameer, he was sitting with the cameraman explaining him the shots to be taken.

Without thinking much I started running towards him, without caring what people will think , I was running. He was food for my soul, he was the only one who could understand me, only one with whom I was comfortable, only one whom I wanted to love.

Sameer, Sameer, where were you? I have been looking for you since morning, you didn’t call me, I tried your number, and how could you do this? I just started shouting at him.

He should have woken me up in the morning or we should have woken up together…

“Are my phone is in repair shop, accidentally it stopped working yesterday night”, he was in awe of my shouting tone at him. He started smiling.

Why are you smiling? I was cruel.

“You look gorgeous in this black dress, and it’s looking good on you, sleeveless and long earrings. His eyes had a sparkle.

I melted. I forgot what to say, he had powers in him to control me, control my emotions. I was not angry at him now. I looked at myself, this short black dress I had recently bought, it was till my knees. I had imagined that Sameer will like it. My bare legs started to play with each other.

“Let’s go in the vanity van , I want to talk to you, he winked at my long earrings.

I sensed something; he had told me the magic long earrings do to him. What was he up to, what were his plans? I wanted to know everything then and there. Was he again going to kiss me?

No, No, this is not right, I told myself. This is wrong, how can a stranger kiss me twice? I have not given anyone the right to touch me without my consent.

But was my consent not there? I questioned myself. In the world where everyone is dying to get love, I must be the only one denying. What will happen the most, why can’t I live in the moment, why am I in denial, that too with whom I am myself, the one whom I trust the most.

It’s ok to be loved. Everything is not a rule book, I don’t know if I will work with him in future. I don’t know if we will meet again post this film. I don’t know if I will ever be this close with anyone else.

Sameer was already in the vanity van, I was standing 20 feet away from the van. My feet urged me to move, move towards love, move towards confession, move towards my inner calling, move towards meeting of two souls and bodies.

I didn’t remember when I started walking towards the van.

Let’s get this dress off, shall we?” he said softly. I was not ready for this but I didn’t stop him, I wanted to make love to him. My lonely years were finally over. I was silent and listening.

 “Do you have any idea how much I want you, Shalini?” he whispered.

 “Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you?” he added.

Leaning down, he kissed me. His lips were demanding, it was so hard that I got a cut on my lips from his teeth and there were drops of blood. His lips touched mine again with my blood on his tongue. He had tasted blood.

What was happening? Why my body was still? Why there was no denial. I remembered my lines. It’s ok to be loved.

He started unbuttoning my dress

.“You have the most beautiful skin; I want to kiss every single inch of it.” He said looking into my eyes.

He had put his arms around me and hauled me against his body, squeezing me tightly. One hand remained in my hair, the other traveled down my spine to my waist and down to my behind and I felt his body pressing against me. Tentatively, I moved my hands up to his face and into his hair.

Releasing me, he suddenly dropped to his knees. He grabbed my hips with both his hands and ran his tongue around my navel, His hands moved slowly toward so my thighs, removing my jeans as they go. I couldn’t look away.

 He had a devilish smile on his face and I wanted him, wanted him badly. To remove my scars, to pamper me, to fill my voids.

 I want you, Shalini. He said it again and again.

Then what we did in the van, together, was enough, enough till next time we meet again…

The van was witnessing two thirsty souls……

Shalini

Letter 6

I got what I was missing, Sameer gave me something which I had lost few years ago, My soul, I didn’t had to pretend that I didn’t like whatever happened in the vanity van, in fact I loved it, With Sameer, I had the courage to admit, I was immersed in him in those moments, my moments.

Our clothes were lying on the floor of the vanity van, I saw them. I didn’t want to put them on; I wanted to lie down with him like this only, for hours, for years, till I die. I was so comfortable in his arms, so protected, safe from outside world. Nobody could harm me when I was with him. I felt, he will fight for me, only for me and I would do anything for him, anything, after all I was in love with him.

Love? Was I in love with him? Or was it just that moment? Moment in which I lost myself..

Was I trusting too much? Was I trusting too early?

It was our 4^th meeting and I was floored on him.

What will happen? He will leave me, right? Its ok, I will live till that moment, now I wanted someone, someone to take care of me, someone to live with me….

Was Sameer the right choice? Was he the one I was looking for? I decided to spend some time on thinking about the same. I put on my dress, Sameer was sleeping, I kissed him on his cheek and left the Van.

“Where you were Shalini entire crew was waiting for you” The director asked.

“I am so sorry, I am not well, I have got severe headache, can I request you to schedule my shots tomorrow”? I pleaded.

“Ok” He said with a not so happy tone.

“Thank you” I smiled and left for home in a cab.

I started thinking about what happened in the van, how he touched me, how I was his prisoner, a prisoner who never wanted to flee, a bird who wanted to be caged forever, how he pressed me against the wall, how I was happy being helpless. How somebody was winning me over again & again with every touch, how I was loosing and winning at the same time, how much I had started loving my skin post his touch. 

Its ok to be loved, its ok to be loved, I muttered.

I reached home in 1 hour, my empty home was waiting for me, waiting to hear what happened in the day, suddenly my home was my friend, close confidante, with whom I could share whatever,whenever.I promised to my home that I will tell everything provided I get a good shower, to wash away all the impurities, to wash away all the dust, only his touch will remain, only he has the right to be on myself.

Post the shower, I was ready to narrate the story to my house. I started how I began my day, how I was looking for Sameer on the sets, what happened when he called me in the van.

Suddenly house asked me a question,” What kind of a man are you looking for”?

I was ready to answer, I sat quietly for a moment and asked “Do you really want to know”?

“Yes” the house said.

I began.

I need someone mentally evolved because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I need someone who is spiritually evolved.

I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden.

I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.  

I need someone whom I can respect. And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me.  God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself!

I heard the sound of claps, the house was clapping, in awe of me, what a speech I had delivered.I wish someone could hug me after saying so much, I wanted appreciation. I thought I was clear in what I wanted.

“Does Sameer possess all of the qualities you mentioned”? Suddenly The house asked.

I was stunned, I was taken aback, I had to find answers, answers to my questions, I wanted to ask Sameer now, I decided to meet him immediately. I called him.

“Hello Shalini, where you have been, when did you left, I was looking for you”.

I loved the chase.

“Can we meet now”?, I want to meet you.

“Lets meet at the coffee shop in next 2 hours” He said.

“Ok”. I said and hung up the phone.

I wanted to look stunning like never before, I wore a saree, it was printed one, purple, blue, pink,green, all colors making linings and different pattern, with a gold bangle in one hand and a normal one in other , two long earrings which were the highlight, I looked in the mirror. My fair color was giving tough time to the saree, I was looking more beautiful, more desirable.

I was ready to meet him again, waiting to ask few questions and be in his arms….

Shalini….

Letter 7

I remembered his lines, he was telling someone on the sets the other day to one of the artists.

"Saree is a wonderful dress invented ever, an Indian women can never look the same in any other dress, the way you drape it tells the story, if you drape it as your Pallu strikes sideways, you are communicating an inviting message through your side waist and if you drape it as your Pallu is in hanging in the front, you are playing safe, so dress up according to the shot."

So much detailing he does when it comes to Saree, I had also decided that I will wear the Pallu differently than he could have imagined ever. I was ready, ready to leave home; I gave a final glance, kissed myself on the mirror and left for coffee house.

My feet were not on the ground, Why was i so restless, Why hurry, hurry to conclude, Why was I not able to stop myself, What will he think, Just four meetings and I am asking if he loves me. In today’s world when everything is flesh, Why he will love me, we have not spent time together , not enough time.

Was I in love with him? May be yes, may be no, what was love, two people meeting suddenly, spending time and I was in love? It sounded very unrealistic, very childish.

I had never tried to understand his frame of mind, I always shared my side of story, what I wanted, what I liked, what I disliked, my mood swings; he never uttered a word about himself. Yes, I knew he was a passionate man, he loved making movies, he loved arts and music, how much effort I had done to understand him. What did he feel after meeting me, what was going on in his life, I never asked. His intentions were right, I always knew, honesty was his strength, that’s why he was liked by everybody.

Was I selfish? Just fulfilling my needs through him. OK, I decided, I will ask him about his life first. After all we were going to be one soul two bodies one day. Or were we already?

Yes, I took time,  a lot of time in finding that kind of person, Sameer, he was so thoughtful and funny at the same time, and what was I thinking, was I perfect? I was a distorted soul, wandering here and there, did I deserve him? No, I told myself, but he was the one I was looking for, one for entire life.

I will be ok even if we didn’t get married, he was too precious to loose, some relationships are better without the name, name corrupts them, builds expectations but with no name, relationships flourish, no boundaries, no hesitation, full of feelings and action.

I will kiss him on his lips today without thinking; I muttered to myself, I wanted him. I will hug him for 30 minutes and then I will open my mouth.

I called him, “Hello, Where are you, have you reached?”

“No, Not yet, getting ready, why don’t you drop in at home and we will go together” , coffee shop is just 15 minutes away from my place”. He suggested.

I reached his place and rang the doorbell.

He opened the door and let me in, I was speechless, and he was looking so sexy in his track pants. I decided to make the first move.

I ran up to him and kissed him on his lips.

He was stunned, I loved his look, through this gesture, I showed how much I wanted him.

You’re mine,” he took a deep breath. He swept my hair over my shoulder and trailed a finger across the top of my back from shoulder to shoulder. I shivered in anticipation. He planted a tender kiss on my back above the first button on my dress. “So beautiful,” he said as he opened the first button.

With infinite slowness, he unfastened each button, all the way down my back. Between each kiss he murmured “I love you Shalini, You are mine.” Each word was intoxicating. I closed my eyes and tilt my head, giving him easier access to my neck, He peeled my dress down my arms .His eyes traveled greedily down my body, but he said nothing. He just gazed at me, his eyes wide with want. “You liked it?” You look sensational”

He ran his middle finger over my breasts, following the line, I was out of breath and he repeated the journey over my breasts once more, He stopped and twirled his index finger in the air, indicating that he wants me to turn around.

 I was facing the bed, away from him. His arm encircled my waist, pulling me against him, while his thumbs circled over my neck making me go crazy. Then he ran his hands down my stomach, over my belly, and down to my thighs, he pulls back the cover on the bed.  

I bent down to kiss him, and suddenly he leaned up, kissed my lips, I planted a soft kiss on his chest as I undo each of them and whispered between each kiss, “I love you Sameer.” His lips found mine, his hands curling around my head, holding me, stilling me as our tongues glory in each other. “You have such lovely legs. I want to kiss every inch of them. He pressed his lips against my big toe .

 Gazing up at me, looming over me, his body covering mine, resting his weight on his elbows. He ran his nose down mine, and I ran my hands down his strong, supple back to his fine, fine backside.

“Will you marry me, Shalini? He asked suddenly.

I was out of words, I was like sand in the desert and it felt like first drop of rain on me had fallen, quenching my thrust,  I was thirsty for so many years. I looked in his eyes and drops of tears fell from my eyes, I didn’t stop, I allowed them to fall, he was watching me , he paused for a moment, he didn’t try to stop me, possibly he understood what storm was there inside me. He kissed on my forehead.

“Had you not wore a saree today, I would not have proposed you today”, He said jokingly.

I smiled.

“Will you marry me, Shalini? He was on his knees.

Yes, I said and hugged him, I never wanted to leave his arms, never, I had taken this decision, whatever happens, I will not leave Sameer.

I had got answers to all my questions, all were waiting for Sameer to come in my life.

I kissed him hard, again, on his lips. I will be his bride, finally.

Shalini.....

Letter 8

There was a pin drop silence, so serene, calming the souls, the storm that came few hours back was settling down, I was lying in his arms, not willing to leave, even for a second, fearing that he would leave me. Why he would leave, he just proposed to me and I had said yes, I would be his very soon. Every inch of me belonged to him. He was center of my life. I remembered few lines told to me by someone:

For a woman, her man is CENTER of her life, her life revolves around him, whatever she does / thinks, mostly, he is part of it, he is the axis, she revolves around him like a planet, and earth revolves around sun.

For a Man, it is the other way around, for him, a woman is PART of his life, though a larger portion on a pie chart but still a PART, not the CENTER.  The ones who have decoded difference between PART and CENTER have understood life.

Am I just a part of Sameer’s life? What does other sections of his life have? I do not know much about him.  Yes, he did not hide anything about his childhood, Work etc. but still I wanted to know more, so that I can understand him better. Or I knew about him already? Love of my life, I would never want to leave him, at any cost, any circumstances, even if we fight, then too, he was too precious.

“Triinggggggggggg, Trinnnnng”.

I was brought back to the real world by an alarm, I was still in his arms, protected, nobody could hurt me, I was safe, I was loved, what else I needed, love is essence of life, just imagine if there is no love around, nobody will be able to survive.

Its ok to be loved, I muttered again.

“Wake up, wake up, Food is ready, I said playfully.

“Come here, sit with me for a while” he looked cute.

I couldn’t resist, with him every second seemed like a sin, a sin I would like to do hundred times, it was our world, we both were only there, we did not need anybody else, In our world, everything was between us, silly bedsheets were proof that we loved each other so much.

He kissed my hand.

“Lets get married next month; I have spoken to Panditji and he has given next month’s date” he said excitedly.

“Will it not be too early”,I shouldn’t have said that.

“No, we don’t have anyone in our family who will do preparations, we will hire an agency who will everything for us, what is holding you” He asked.

“Nothing as such, its just that everything is happening so quickly” I said.

“Slow is good or Fast is bad”, he asked.

I didn’t have the answer, I thought for a while and said yes. He jumped from the bed and started dancing.

“What are you doing”, I said.

“Cant you see,I am dancing” He said laughingly.

“Drop me home, Sameer, Shanta Bai is waiting for me at my place” I said.

“Anything for you” He said and we left the home in his car.

We reached my place in 45 minutes, he waved me goodbye and I entered my home. Light was on , I wondered, if Shanta bai had switched it on.

“Memsaab, kidhar thi aap, maine kitne phone kiya aapko” Shanta Bai appeared from nowhere.

“Are, I was in Mumbai only; aur kahan jaaungi” I replied.

She came near to me , looked into my eyes and started smiling.

“Kuch to hai memsaab jo aap mujhse chupa rahi hain”, she asked.

“Main chupa nahi rahi Shanta bai, maine tumhe kuch batana chahti hun, sabse pehle main tumko thank you bolna chahati hun kyunki tumhari us din ki baat ne meri zindgi badal di, mujhe aise laga jaise mujhse kisi ne aisa kuch keh diya ho jo shayad main apne aap se nahi keh paa rahi thi, tumne kaha than a us din ki memsaab tum shadi bana lo, bana rahi hun main shadi, mera is dunia mein koi nahi hai shanta bai tumhare siva, mujhe tum sajaogi na”, I explained.

“Aap bhi na memsaab, main nahi karegi to kaun karega, kaun hai jisse aap shadi bana raha hai,tears fell from her eyes”. She said.

“Main bahut khush hai memsaab aapke liye, aap jaisa log kam aata is dunia mein, zindgi mein pyar ke siva kuch matlab nahi, Chlo chlo shopping karni hai humko, bahut kaam hai abhi. I could see  the joy in her eyes.

I told her everything about Sameer, how we met and then finally date of marriage.

We had 25 days to the day of marriage, though the major work was to be done by agency hired by Sameer, still there was a lot which I had to do, atleast for myself, like shopping, I was too excited.

I was getting married.

We wanted to share our the rest of our life together and as someone famous and now dead once said, “When you find someone you want to share the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” Some voice at the back of my head also said, “Don’t dawdle. Don’t let this one get away.”

We were as madly in love as one could be without actually going mad. The wedding cards were printed. The guest lists were shortened to 300 after what felt like 300 iterations. The venue was blocked. The dress was bought, fitted and washed afresh with tears of joy. I was getting married. I had found love and was going to be wed in 10 days. Oh my god! Oh my god! I still couldn’t believe it.

And then there it was. The dawn of THE day. Our wedding day.

The bride and the groom aren’t supposed to see each other before the wedding on THE day. It’s bad luck. My luck had always been undependable when it came to love, so we decided not to risk it. We were staying in the same hotel. I was in 303 and he was in 305. After the wedding, we were to spend our (officially) first night together in 1200, the Honeymoon Suite. Tomorrow, we’d go back to his house and the day after, we’d fly to Europe for our two week long honeymoon. Everything had been planned meticulously, leaving no room for mistakes or bad luck. Everything except this.

He did not show.

I waited for three hours. Alone, surrounded by a crowd of 300 people, but so very alone. The crowd grew noisy at first, an incessant angry buzz. “Why the delay? Why is the guy taking so long?” And then, as realization sunk in, they started to grow quiet. 300 people in the room and you could have heard a pin drop. I could almost hear the thoughts of the people around me. “He’s not coming, is he? Poor girl!” The priest waited for three hours and then quietly asked me if he could go. He had another wedding to perform. I couldn’t answer, I seemed to have lost my voice.

Where was Sameer? Why had he not turned up at the stage? I was uneasy and lost control, I was lying on the floor, with few faint voices, whispering, I was waiting for Sameer, to hug me tightly in his arms, to take me to the room, to make love to me….

Where was he, had he left me?

Shalini….

Letter 9

My eyes were heavy, my feet were trembling, Where was Sameer? A thousand thoughts were crawling in my mind, Why he had not turned up? Is he ok? I went to his room again; I was running around like a prey who was trying to escape from the predator. The predator was haunting.

He would have liked my dress, he would have told me that I was looking pretty, he would have held me in his arms, he would have protected me from rest of the mean world, he was all that I ever wanted, he was my soul, we were one, he loved me more than I loved myself, I did not care about the world when he was with me.

He taught me how to love, he taught me love, he taught me how to live, he was the reason I wanted to live. His touch was magical, they way he touched me, nobody could ever, with his every move on my body, I felt love, the love which was rare, he stirred my soul with his touch, he would always remind me that love was the only thing which matters, he used to tell me that I mattered a lot in his life, what did one would ever want except knowing that he/she matters to him/her. No money could ever buy this emotion, I knew only he could heal me, only he could give me love which I was deprived for years. I must have admitted early rather than denying for years.

Suddenly there was darkness in front of my eyes. I was shouting Sameer, Sameer, he was not there, I lost my balance and fell down on the floor and then I didn’t know what happened.

They were all around me, covering me, may be waiting for me, I was lying on bed, windows open, I saw time, it was 4 am in the morning, why was everyone standing around me, Shanta Bai, My neighbours who I generally never meet.

Was there something wrong happened? My body was in pain, eyes burning. I was uneasy,

What happened? Why are you all standing like this? I was puzzled.

“Memsaab, kya ho gaya aapko, main darr gayi thi, aap kitne der se chilla rahi thi, Sameer, Sameer, khud se baatein kar rahi thi zor zor se, aapne koi bura sapna dekha kya? She was horrified.

Sapna? I was suddenly back in senses, I just looked around, drank one bottle of water, all at one go.

It was a dream, it was a dream, I shouting multiple times and started smiling, nothing was wrong, nobody had gone.

Sameer entered the room with a doctor.

I couldn’t control my emotions, I ran towards him and hugged him with so much force that we both fell down, he didn’t move, I didn’t want to move, I held him, as a prisoner, tears rolled down my cheeks, I was crying loudly, he did attempt multiple times to calm me down, no, no, I said, let the tears fall, do not stop me. He covered his arms around me . Everybody left the room except us.

What happened baby? He saw straight in my eyes.

“Don’t move, don’t go, I said.

“Where am I going? I am all here with you”.

“I saw a dream that you were nowhere and left me”. I said.

“oh, let me tell you I am not going anywhere, why I will go, itna jaldi tumhara peecha nahi choodne wala main, we speak with each other’s soul, yes we are humans, we make mistakes, I love you like you cannot imagine, promise me, you will never say that again?, Promise?

Promise. I stammered.

I had given him promise that I would never say & think about our separation. How could I even think that? He was the one who deserved my love, unconditional love, even if we were not together, then too, irrespective of every stage of life, he deserved me and I deserved him. I started believing. That dream was most horrified dream I ever saw but that changed me forever. That taught me:

Love is only thing that matter, one can earn money, have crores of bank balance but if he doesn’t have love, it’s all that what matters, someone to care, someone to handle your vulnerability, everything is temporary, nothing will last forever, love more , forgive more, experiment, Societal boundaries will always be there, people with love live, rest spend time. the demand for permanency is the root cause of all problems in life, we want everything to stay forever, even after knowing that we will not be there forever, let’s not do false promises, enjoy till it last, either it will be a memory or a lesson, both are fine. I am sure now after this dream, even if I didn’t get Sameer, my love for him was never going to be less, he had made me experience that emotion which was essence of life, my life independently as a person, I know it is easy to say but yes he made me more stronger to handle life, he infused life in me. We are now going to a bigger house, with our dreams bigger than life and that was:

Live. Live fully.

Shalini

Back to hall

I, Vikas, a changed person now post writing about this fictitious character Shalini, this was a different attempt to write from a female perspective, which being a male was very challenging, I hope you have enjoyed these letters and experienced something which you always wanted to. Shalini Character will always be close to me. So, as she said, love is the only thing which mattes, jahan se milta hai le lo, hamesha milega pata nahi, abhi mil raha hai pata hai.Lets do justice to our life. Lets do one thing:

Live, life fully.

See you somewhere in life

Vikas Sachdeva